i've lost all faith in humanity. for real.

thats all. maybe there will be more to follow.

i remember now why i stopped trusting people. its that piercing feeling of betrayal, the one you can't get out of your head. on one hand, the optimistic part of me says that maybe this means that maybe i'm not totally closed off to trusting people forever (if recent events haven't changed that), but the other part of me just... well... i don't get it. its all my fault really, to put myself time and time again into the same situation, the outcome never changing. its that little bit of hope... maybe whatever it is about me that represents something fundamentally unloveable will go away and life will make sense. it... it just doesn't seem to happen. i think i need to move on.

whats making this so hard is the nature of this particular situation. do i just walk away? am i strong enough to do that? (no.) do i want to just move on and not look back? (sometimes.) do i really though? (no, i just want things to be different.) i want to be better. i want to be loveable, and loved. i want to feel less lonely. what does one do when the only thing that sometimes provides a little bit of relief from life is the same thing thats making the rest of the time nearly unbearable? take the good with the bad? or leave it all behind and look for something better (what if its not there....?)

maybe i'm just stressed from finals and from other things in life... but i can't seem to get this out of my head. and the worst part is... it really is my fault. i have the option of stopping this at any time. i just don't have the courage. i'm turning into that paranoid crazy girl who's convinced the world is out to get her. but what if it is? how do you tell? fantasy from reality? i just don't want to sleep alone anymore, and be able to enjoy the times that i'm not (not spend that time wondering if this will be the last time...).

i really should study, but i just don't care. i just want this to all end.

moving day! exciting, unnerving, and tiring.

all in all, i want it to be done and to be moved. if i could only just skip the process, this would be way better.

i promised myself that i wouldnt let this happen. that i wouldn't act like this, and feel like this. and be hurt and humiliated like this. but i guess that's how life works. i need to make a decision, stick to it, and face the consequences. i just wish it wasnt him.

i should have listened to my gut in the first place in this situation. i'm scared that my feelings may be too strong to come up with any totally positive outcomes. its ironic really. a conversation early on revealed that everyone was scared i'd get hurt. and somehow, with all the precautions taken, it still happened.

i just dont...

know if i can do this anymore. i want to, but i know its wrong and i'm tired of being selfish. also, i'm just emotionally drained.

i can tell because suddenly the temperature rose 30 degrees and wham! summer. just like that. perhaps next year we could work in a period of acclimation... you know... "spring". where did that go? i dont remember minding the heat so much to the point where i havent been able to sleep, but i think thats because of "spring".

either way, hello summer. only now, after a few 90 degree F days, and a little time to recuperate from that funny thing called "school", do i finally feel like i can welcome in the new season. and besides... i'm still 20 days ahead of the nature (and hence, the government) , who feels the need to wait until the longest day of the year comes to officially commence the summer festivities. sounds about right though... the people generally figure things out ahead of the government anyways ;-).

one good weekend last week is surely going to be followed by another this weekend. last weekend was memorial day... also coinciding with a surprise 25th anniversary party for my aunt and uncle (carried out with the WORST lie i've ever heard and that was still believed), a night with chris and jon at the beer garden in astoria queens (full of pilsner, new friends, and jon wearing a ridiculous daisy headdress), a trip to the beach with dad, maddie and mia (who are two of the most adorable kids ever), and a day of shopping with mom and grandma (.....ugh.....).

next weekend is sure to be fun as well. starts with a haircut tomorrow at 1pm, tar's "happy graduation from med school and we'll miss you when you leave the next day for cali" party, and shopping for hiking gear with chris (i'm lifting my ban on entering the REI outlet store especially for this).

i'm getting really excited about my haircut tomorrow. its just... well.... alot to handle right now, as its like wearing a heavy wool sweater in 90degree heat. plus, my neck is starting to hurt when i'm running... and i'm happy that i've got enough hair to be able to donate it to kids. i feel sorta kinda bad for the poor boy or girl though... i'd like to send it in with a caveat... something like, "careful when you go in the rain.", or "look out for those muggy days or else you'll look like a chia pet." i guess they'll have to figure it out for themselves... plus, any hair is better than no hair i suppose. [then i think of all the times i almost shaved my head willingly].

i'm finally starting work next week... which is exciting, because i'm broke. my schedule this summer ROCKS! i'm working 7am-7pm thursdays and fridays, and then 7am-7pm every other weekend (both days). this means that every other week i'll have 4 12 hour days in a row... which is slightly less than ideal (although i don't mind), however, this is then followed by a two day week and a 5 day weekend. whatEVER am i going to do with myself?!? i forsee working overtime, reading lots of books, beach bumming, hiking, and finally having the time (and give or take the money) to take a few vacations and see some people i havent seen in a while. trips in the works include toronto, cali, and who knows where else.

anyways... i'm off. next time i post, i'll be pounds of hair lighter:-D.

and not in the sense of the staind song. thats for sure. finally done with second year of vet school... and FINALLY have some time to just sit and take it in. its funny... i had convinced myself that i wasn't stressed... wasn't crazed during finals.... but my feelings since finals have ended have been volatile and slightly incomprehensible. i think thats a result of things catching up to me. either that or pms (sometimes its hard to tell the difference) or maybe a combination of both. all i know is that i've become quite hobbit-like the past 3 days....very unlike me.

i've also realized how empty this summer is going to be. i have great friends... i love my friends, but they're moving on with their lives and leaving philadelphia. i'm stuck here... for better or for worse... and its getting tougher and tougher to watch my friends leave, go places, and see different things. i think i'm getting stir crazy. i want to see different things... i want to go places. but thats just not how my life worked out.

that being said, the other problem is a more practical one... less existential. i don't have anyone to hang out with anymore. i know its 99% self induced... but the past two days, i've sat in my house and watched tv. the two sides of me are feuding right now. they are: 1. the part that knows that i need some down time... some time to just relax and sit and perform completely mindless tasks such as TV watching and reading. to be by myself and just let my mind and body recuperate from the last weeks, months, years. that part is being nobly feuded by 2. the part of me that knows that i only get a very limited supply of free time in my life and i should take advantage of every second to the fullest. i should be outside playing, running, talking to people, reading in the park, travelling to places, seeing things and people that i never get to see.... etc. i wish i had more time... more loved ones around me... more energy..... i've never felt that energy had to be the limiting factor in my life decisions anymore... but its certainly is this week and next.

one of the few things i can take true solace in is that i'm half way done with vet school. i've survived (and its not as though i havent had outside forces trying to stop me in my tracks). the last two years have been really trying... and if nothing else i can say, at least its over. there havent been too many wonderful things that i'll take with me. i've made good friends... but i feel like something's missing still. i know that vet school sucks life out of you... but when you've got that along with the other things trying to take the life out you (sickness... family... sickness of family, etc).. its hard to feel like there's' much life left.

i think my goals for this summer have to be to get the feeling of life back in me. its funny... the first time i did this it took 21 years of misery to convince myself to find happiness, and it too SO much work. i don't want to give it up. i want to keep going forward... but i feel like i've hit a wall. i think i just miss having fun. goal number 2 (or maybe 1a) is to just have fun. be crazy... do crazy things... meet people and not be scared ( i havent started this one out too well so far, but the summer is young). this is, for what its worth, my last "summer". i guess i should make the most of it.

so as i've been successfully procrastinating, i've been pondering all but things involving veterinary public health... which brings me to my random question for the day:

next week i'm getting my hair cut so that i can donate it to locks of love. 10 inches is alot of hair to cut off... normally i'm fairly unpicky in terms of where i go to get my haircut because, lets be honest, it DOES grow back. that being said....

anyone have any especially good experiences with hair salons in philly or possibly can recommend me a good one that won't make me look like a moron (i know what you're thinking... i already look like a moron... blah....)

any and all suggestions, first or second hand, are greatly appreciated.

now back to studying. i can't remember the last time i slept. only 7 days until finals are over. THANK GOD!

i suddenly feel like i've lost everything and everyone. its so scary. i just don't want to get out of bed. i want to sit around and mope and feel sorry for myself. i look back on my life two years ago and things were perfect. everything in order... now all i want to do right now is cry forever and ever.

finals start tuesday, and i haven't even begun to study. i've got 6 finals in the next two weeks... and its going to be hell. the worst thing is that i don't care. not even a little bit, not even at all.

it seems like all the people i've counted on the past year or two have decided this week that our time is up. i just wonder what i could do more... what people want from me that i can't give. i think i know for some people, but due to successful aviodance regarding the subject, i dont know for sure. just simple questions alan... not scary or stalkerish... i promise. i just want to talk... so i can move on. i think i was right all along though... i was always the one who was going to get hurt in this situation.

i need a few things from life right now. new friends. closure. time to unwind. new relationships. feeling wanted, and feeling loved.

i need to feel loved. i need new friends, and new lovers. or any lovers. or just love. its getting lonely around here... and i'm sad again. can i PLEASE have a hug?

also... i havent had to make friends in a while... i don't remember how. i know i may be a little picky in terms of friends... just that they are educated, passionate, understanding, and kind, and enjoy eating vegan food that i'm more than willing to provide. oh.... and for right now, that they live IN philadelphia is that so much to ask? summer is coming up... i've got a bit more free time to meet people and see who's out there.

if you happen to know anyone fits that bill... send them my way.

i remember when LJ used to be such a good representation of my life, cause i had time to update every day. it saddens me to see that i've only updated it like 10 times in the past few months. maybe i'll make a conscious effort to change that. someone remind me tomorrow or something....

good question... i hop on a plane in 7 hours to head to minneapolis where all good spring breakers go ;-) I'm going for a conference so i can meet other knuckleheads like me who think that 4 years of torturous schooling post college is a good idea, all so we can help our four legged friends. i just wish i had another day to sleep, then this conference would seem like a much better idea.

god damned insomnia... i need to do something about this.

so, now that i have a little bit more time... anyone have any ideas as to fun things to do when i get back? i remember something about quizzo, and something about drinks... but that was pre-exams.. and that means that it barely exists.

life's been interesting lately. i wish i had the time/energy to write it down. maybe that would do something for my insomnia... get this stuff out of my mind and somewhere else. i'll think about it when i get back.

finals are kicking my ass. and its only day three.

this does not bode well for the next week and a half.

i recently have started to notice how much i've lost in the past few months. it may not seem like much to an outsider, but i feel like everything's gone. so much has changed, and people that used to comfort and inspire me now feel like strangers. i feel like a stranger in my own skin again.

i need to meet some new people i think... start a new chapter. i forget how that goes though.

i feel like part of the kid still in me died today when after seeing the snow coming down my first thought was one of how this will be an annoyance to my daily plans and not one of pure elation like it used to be. what have i become?

ever want to stop time? there are days that go by that are so quick that i just wonder how its possible that i've woken up and been through a day and gone to bed and all it seems in a blink of an eye.

these days i'm torn. recent events in my life have taught me that i should live each day to the fullest, pulling out all the stops, and keeping in mind that everything i have could be taken away from me in a second. i'm not trying to be pessimistic, but i just understand that life is precious and nothing to take for granted. i want to wake up in the morning and go to bed and look back and know that for that day, i did all that i could to make sure that it was memorable and not just another day.

that being said, i pretty much do the opposite now. i wake up tired, drag myself to school, sit in class in the dungeon for 8 hours a day, then proceed to lock myself in a windowless room for another few hours while i try and learn things. i understand the importance of this too. for all good things come sacrifice of some sort, and goals require dedication and commitment, etc. however, i can't help but wonder.

sometimes i wonder if there's a middle ground. there are so many things in life that i want right now. but alas, there's just not enough time. i remember years ago, when there was nothing i wanted from life more than just for it to leave me alone. i remember when i would get upset about every little thing... nothing made me happy.

however, this weekend i ventured up to nyc to visit some old friends and get a glimpse into my past life when people were close and friends were good friends and i wasnt fake. and i miss it. and really, all i want from life right now is to be able to be that other me, the one who (if only but for a short while) had things figured out. i feel like i'm studying away my formative years, and its wearing me out.

but then that brings me back to one of the most poignant quotations that drives me.
the prize is always worth the rocky ride.
and while i believe in the power of that, my faith in this as an overarching statement is waning. so you see my conflict.

i've been thinking about the past year and a half of my life alot recently. i think the biggest test that vet school has thrown at me thus far has not been academic in any respect, but in fact personal. i never really had a problem getting along with people. ive found myself to be a personable, likable (albeit a bit loud at times) person who tells it like it is and genuinely enjoys to be around people. not particularly self-conscious, always loving and caring, and surrounded by great friends who nurtured my self image and made me feel worth something. and i feel like i was able to do the same for them. this has all changed. ive found myself surrounded by judgmental people who make me feel like im uninteresting and hard to get along with, who are cold and unfriendly. i find myself alone alot, with no good friends to share this experience of school with.

i understand now how much i enjoy being with people i care about. i hate being alone all the time. i've turned into this self-conscious, apathetic person around these people.
"what is it with me?"
i ask myself. "everyone else here seems to have friends." i'm reminded of the times in 5th and 6th grade, and even in high school when i was "uncool" and people used to make fun of me and refuse to talk to me and some of my friends because we were "smart". i thought it was dumb then, and i think its dumb now. i thought that once you reached your 20s, it was uncool to judge. guess i was the only one who got that memo. and i'm not going to lie. i'm not unbreakable. its starting to break me down, this judging.

i have no regrets in life thus far, besides, you know... maybe stepping out of my house in some of the hideous outfits i've put together in the past. but i jest. i really don't have any regrets. everything i've experienced has made me the person that i have become... but seeing my real friends this past weekend, remembering how i felt when they were around me 7 days a week, its made me wonder if this is all worth it. why not just live that life where i can be who i am and not have to worry how others view me. i want to be a veterinarian more than anything and i'm so close, but i feel like i'm giving up a part of me, the part of me that i love the most. or putting it on hold or something.

i need to figure out a way to have it all. to do my work, but also have time for me. so i dont have this empty feeling inside me anymore. so that i can see the people that remind me why i'm the person that i am, that i like who i am, and that i'm doing the right thing. who dont judge me and think that i'm actually a worthy person. thats why i need to stop time, so that i can get my life back and find that missing part of me. is that so wrong?

i'm so confused.

that is all.

.... at least until january 3rd. and last nite was awesome... End of core for the 3rd years made me realize how much i'm going to miss having them around. they are some really great kids. why couldnt i have applied and gotten in to vet school a year earlier? then i too could be doing this.... but alas, i'm stuck with my choices (which i'm happy about) and the people that it binds me to.

now i'm off... so especially if i havent seen you recently, call me and say hi and i won't have to say... i'm sorry i need to study, i can't talk.

yay!

oh... and my head only hurts a little bit. in terms of how much i think i drank, and how much my head could hurt.... its not so bad.

i miss having fun.

its official. as of right now. i miss the person i learned how to be when i used to be happy and have fun. i've turned into this... well...unfun (for lack of a better word) person who spends time worrying, studying, or worrying about not studying, or studying not to worry, and i'm a fucking chickenshit too.

i was at my friend's house for dinner tonite with 5 or 6 of my good friends, remembering, that at one point in my life this was how things are. it wasn't a treat to not be stressed or sad or miserable. it was just how life was. i've recently become jealous of people who have been happy their entire life. i'm beginning to realize just how much i've missed out by not having a normal carefree childhood.

i still don't regret anything thats happened in my life. i just wish that the tests would stop. the thinking, the worrying, and the reasons why this has become a part of my life. sometimes i just wish that the whole thing would end. who knows then, whether not i'd just find another reason to be worried and/or sad. maybe thats just me. maybe i'm just bound to this lifestyle, reasoned or unfounded. does it matter really? the outcome is the same. for 20 years in my life i lived in irrational fear (granted, not my fault and rooted in some pretty fucked up situations) that didnt correspond with my life at the time. and now, dealing with present situations, i've been feeling the same way. does it matter whether or not i'm living in the present or the past? what if this never ends? should i learn to just be happy regardless of my life at the time, or should i just give up on the idea altogether? maybe it'll never happen for me... and i've gotta be ready for that.

not everyone can have the perfect life. there is no perfect life. not for everyone for sure... perhaps not for me. my life isnt bad right now, i can think of much worse things that could be occuring to me personally. maybe i should just make the best of everything thats thrown my way (regardless of whether or not there seems like a best anywhere in sight) and not count on things being better in the future. maybe this is all there is. how do i know?

[but i've been there, i've seen it... i've been in better days... i remember... its fleeting but i remember. how do i keep those memories alive? so that i don't settle? what if they fade? i don't know.]

it is amazing sometimes how people can change so fundamentally in such a short period of time. we're not talking weeks here, but in the past years i've seen such change in the core of people that i know and have known really well and it doesn't ever cease to amaze me. i'm not saying i'm exempt from this change. some of it is good, and some of it horribly bad.

maybe it is because i feel like the 20s are the most formative years in a persons life. whoever says that the teenage years or earlier are the ones that shape you hasnt really thought about who they were when they turned 20 and who they are now. i just had an encounter with someone who has been a good friend of mine for 6 years, and has totally and utterly disgusted me and treated me in a way that no "friend" should ever treat another. all this from someone who i knew and trusted. i'm not saying i didnt see it coming, but i just wonder what brought him to the point in his life where he felt the need to say the things to me that he pulled out tonight. it makes me sad, because he's become a shell of the person that i knew and loved just a few years ago.

i've also recently become reacquainted with an old friend from what i like to call "the forgotten years" in my life. its funny, because although this person has no reason, he has the faith in me that i've been having trouble harnessing recently. i'm not surprised really, but thats just the kind of person he is. he trusts the changes that i've made in my life are real and respects me regardless of the person that i had been in the past. so change can be good....

so many other things in my life going on.... but i'm too tired to discuss. all i care about is to just pass my finals and maybe get an A in some of them. unfortunately, that doesnt seem too likely anymore.

oh well. maybe more later.

You know, i thought i was past this point in my life. And mostly i am....but i have these moments of weakness. these times, when all i want is to be able to give into the greatest temptation that i know. its so simple, yet so fucking complex. if you ask me, its not a big deal, but giving in would be throwing nearly two years of hard work down the drain.

i often ask myself, what am i fighting. why am i doing this. what am i trying to prove? its times like this when i remember that i'm always going to be this weak little shit inside, no matter how hard the shell gets. as much as i can pretend that i'm self-sufficient and strong and secure and stable and ok.... i know the truth. i'm the only one who does. its always going to be there.... and its so strong sometimes that i don't know why i even bother.

and its nothing about the night.... or tonight, or this week, or anything. tonight wasnt awful even. went to the bar, made out with a cute girl.... ran into some good friends. honestly, what else could have happened that could make me feel good? nothing. there's nothing. and honestly, its this time when i realize that i'm fighting this losing battle. sometimes it seems worth it, and sometimes it seems like a waste of time.

you know, one of the most frustrating things about it is that i have this wonderful best friend. and sometimes he's the worst thing i could possibly ask for. hes willing to "be there for me" but only if it makes sense. tonight he knew i needed him, but maybe he couldn't figure out why. he probably decided i was being "irrational" but never even asked. instead, when it was painfully apprarent that all i needed was someone to be there for me for just a fucking second (not an eternity), he can't do it.

you know, i know it may not be the most rational thing in the whole world.... to be upset sometimes. but i'm not perfect. i can't control my emotions and time my feelings to correspond totally and completely with the rest of the world... with all the bad things happening in my life. and you know, he makes me feel like i'm the crazy one here. i know i'm not totally normal, or stable, or whatever you want to call it. but sometimes i just want a friend, and i feel like at this point its not something he's capable of doing. i don't know why really.... maybe its something within him. but dear god... it makes me feel like i'm the world's most complete and total utter fuckup.... totally irrational and crazy.

i'm not.... but there's a problem when my best friend looks at me obvoiusly needing him and just is capable of walking away and going to bed like there's no problem. you know whats funny? he never asked whats wrong. why i was upset. just assumed that i was being a fucking nutcase again... that i'm that same person. well if i am... maybe thats why. but what if i just want a hug? or someone to sit with me for a minute without having to explain myself? why is that so hard? why do i have to feel like a total fuckup because of it? i don't think i'm the only one who... after a hard week... just wants someone to be there. i just know that right now i dont have that person anymore.

I know i used to overreact.... to be this volatile person who made no sense. i don't think thats me anymore. i've worked so god damned hard to change and be someone who makes sense, and acts like a healthy person would in situations that are put in front of me. but god, my life has been FAR from easy lately, and i don't think i'm being irrational when i say that its not crazy for me to just hope that my friends would understand and be willing to just cut me some FUCKING SLACK. ITS NOT THAT MUCH TO ASK FOR. IM NOT CRAZY MIKE. so fuck all of you. especially tonight. fuck thanksgiving, fuck holidays, fuck family, and fuck all of you. i dont need this shit.

you know, when i started this post, i was really upset. now i'm just angry. and i'm glad i'm angry. i'm not crazy.... and if my friend needed me, even if i didnt understand it... i'd still be there. and now i'm still crying... but its for a different reason. i'm hurt for a different reason.... because as much as i was upset about the things that happened this week that i chose not to tell anyone, now i'm more upset because i realize more then ever how much

i only have myself

crushing, empowering, saddening, isolating, i don't know what it is. all i know is that it makes me want to go jump off the ben franklin bridge.

but don't worry. if i were going to do it it'd be somewhere way prettier and cleaner. philly's a dirty place.