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behind the glass
16 April 2007 @ 02:08 am
i've lost all faith in humanity. for real.

thats all. maybe there will be more to follow.
behind the glass
25 October 2006 @ 11:15 pm
i remember now why i stopped trusting people. its that piercing feeling of betrayal, the one you can't get out of your head. on one hand, the optimistic part of me says that maybe this means that maybe i'm not totally closed off to trusting people forever (if recent events haven't changed that), but the other part of me just... well... i don't get it. its all my fault really, to put myself time and time again into the same situation, the outcome never changing. its that little bit of hope... maybe whatever it is about me that represents something fundamentally unloveable will go away and life will make sense. it... it just doesn't seem to happen. i think i need to move on.

whats making this so hard is the nature of this particular situation. do i just walk away? am i strong enough to do that? (no.) do i want to just move on and not look back? (sometimes.) do i really though? (no, i just want things to be different.) i want to be better. i want to be loveable, and loved. i want to feel less lonely. what does one do when the only thing that sometimes provides a little bit of relief from life is the same thing thats making the rest of the time nearly unbearable? take the good with the bad? or leave it all behind and look for something better (what if its not there....?)

maybe i'm just stressed from finals and from other things in life... but i can't seem to get this out of my head. and the worst part is... it really is my fault. i have the option of stopping this at any time. i just don't have the courage. i'm turning into that paranoid crazy girl who's convinced the world is out to get her. but what if it is? how do you tell? fantasy from reality? i just don't want to sleep alone anymore, and be able to enjoy the times that i'm not (not spend that time wondering if this will be the last time...).

i really should study, but i just don't care. i just want this to all end.
Current Mood: lonelylonely
Current Music: a chorus line - at the ballet
behind the glass
30 August 2006 @ 07:52 am
moving day! exciting, unnerving, and tiring.

all in all, i want it to be done and to be moved. if i could only just skip the process, this would be way better.
Current Mood: tiredtired
behind the glass
24 August 2006 @ 11:19 pm
i promised myself that i wouldnt let this happen. that i wouldn't act like this, and feel like this. and be hurt and humiliated like this. but i guess that's how life works. i need to make a decision, stick to it, and face the consequences. i just wish it wasnt him.

i should have listened to my gut in the first place in this situation. i'm scared that my feelings may be too strong to come up with any totally positive outcomes. its ironic really. a conversation early on revealed that everyone was scared i'd get hurt. and somehow, with all the precautions taken, it still happened.
behind the glass
10 June 2006 @ 01:10 am
i just dont...

know if i can do this anymore. i want to, but i know its wrong and i'm tired of being selfish. also, i'm just emotionally drained.
Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted
behind the glass
01 June 2006 @ 10:38 pm
i can tell because suddenly the temperature rose 30 degrees and wham! summer. just like that. perhaps next year we could work in a period of acclimation... you know... "spring". where did that go? i dont remember minding the heat so much to the point where i havent been able to sleep, but i think thats because of "spring".

either way, hello summer. only now, after a few 90 degree F days, and a little time to recuperate from that funny thing called "school", do i finally feel like i can welcome in the new season. and besides... i'm still 20 days ahead of the nature (and hence, the government) , who feels the need to wait until the longest day of the year comes to officially commence the summer festivities. sounds about right though... the people generally figure things out ahead of the government anyways ;-).

one good weekend last week is surely going to be followed by another this weekend. last weekend was memorial day... also coinciding with a surprise 25th anniversary party for my aunt and uncle (carried out with the WORST lie i've ever heard and that was still believed), a night with chris and jon at the beer garden in astoria queens (full of pilsner, new friends, and jon wearing a ridiculous daisy headdress), a trip to the beach with dad, maddie and mia (who are two of the most adorable kids ever), and a day of shopping with mom and grandma (.....ugh.....).

next weekend is sure to be fun as well. starts with a haircut tomorrow at 1pm, tar's "happy graduation from med school and we'll miss you when you leave the next day for cali" party, and shopping for hiking gear with chris (i'm lifting my ban on entering the REI outlet store especially for this).

i'm getting really excited about my haircut tomorrow. its just... well.... alot to handle right now, as its like wearing a heavy wool sweater in 90degree heat. plus, my neck is starting to hurt when i'm running... and i'm happy that i've got enough hair to be able to donate it to kids. i feel sorta kinda bad for the poor boy or girl though... i'd like to send it in with a caveat... something like, "careful when you go in the rain.", or "look out for those muggy days or else you'll look like a chia pet." i guess they'll have to figure it out for themselves... plus, any hair is better than no hair i suppose. [then i think of all the times i almost shaved my head willingly].

i'm finally starting work next week... which is exciting, because i'm broke. my schedule this summer ROCKS! i'm working 7am-7pm thursdays and fridays, and then 7am-7pm every other weekend (both days). this means that every other week i'll have 4 12 hour days in a row... which is slightly less than ideal (although i don't mind), however, this is then followed by a two day week and a 5 day weekend. whatEVER am i going to do with myself?!? i forsee working overtime, reading lots of books, beach bumming, hiking, and finally having the time (and give or take the money) to take a few vacations and see some people i havent seen in a while. trips in the works include toronto, cali, and who knows where else.

anyways... i'm off. next time i post, i'll be pounds of hair lighter:-D.
Current Location: my couch
Current Mood: hothot
Current Music: oscillating fan
behind the glass
25 May 2006 @ 12:23 pm
and not in the sense of the staind song. thats for sure. finally done with second year of vet school... and FINALLY have some time to just sit and take it in. its funny... i had convinced myself that i wasn't stressed... wasn't crazed during finals.... but my feelings since finals have ended have been volatile and slightly incomprehensible. i think thats a result of things catching up to me. either that or pms (sometimes its hard to tell the difference) or maybe a combination of both. all i know is that i've become quite hobbit-like the past 3 days....very unlike me.

i've also realized how empty this summer is going to be. i have great friends... i love my friends, but they're moving on with their lives and leaving philadelphia. i'm stuck here... for better or for worse... and its getting tougher and tougher to watch my friends leave, go places, and see different things. i think i'm getting stir crazy. i want to see different things... i want to go places. but thats just not how my life worked out.

that being said, the other problem is a more practical one... less existential. i don't have anyone to hang out with anymore. i know its 99% self induced... but the past two days, i've sat in my house and watched tv. the two sides of me are feuding right now. they are: 1. the part that knows that i need some down time... some time to just relax and sit and perform completely mindless tasks such as TV watching and reading. to be by myself and just let my mind and body recuperate from the last weeks, months, years. that part is being nobly feuded by 2. the part of me that knows that i only get a very limited supply of free time in my life and i should take advantage of every second to the fullest. i should be outside playing, running, talking to people, reading in the park, travelling to places, seeing things and people that i never get to see.... etc. i wish i had more time... more loved ones around me... more energy..... i've never felt that energy had to be the limiting factor in my life decisions anymore... but its certainly is this week and next.

one of the few things i can take true solace in is that i'm half way done with vet school. i've survived (and its not as though i havent had outside forces trying to stop me in my tracks). the last two years have been really trying... and if nothing else i can say, at least its over. there havent been too many wonderful things that i'll take with me. i've made good friends... but i feel like something's missing still. i know that vet school sucks life out of you... but when you've got that along with the other things trying to take the life out you (sickness... family... sickness of family, etc).. its hard to feel like there's' much life left.

i think my goals for this summer have to be to get the feeling of life back in me. its funny... the first time i did this it took 21 years of misery to convince myself to find happiness, and it too SO much work. i don't want to give it up. i want to keep going forward... but i feel like i've hit a wall. i think i just miss having fun. goal number 2 (or maybe 1a) is to just have fun. be crazy... do crazy things... meet people and not be scared ( i havent started this one out too well so far, but the summer is young). this is, for what its worth, my last "summer". i guess i should make the most of it.
Current Mood: unsure
behind the glass
so as i've been successfully procrastinating, i've been pondering all but things involving veterinary public health... which brings me to my random question for the day:

next week i'm getting my hair cut so that i can donate it to locks of love. 10 inches is alot of hair to cut off... normally i'm fairly unpicky in terms of where i go to get my haircut because, lets be honest, it DOES grow back. that being said....

anyone have any especially good experiences with hair salons in philly or possibly can recommend me a good one that won't make me look like a moron (i know what you're thinking... i already look like a moron... blah....)

any and all suggestions, first or second hand, are greatly appreciated.

now back to studying. i can't remember the last time i slept. only 7 days until finals are over. THANK GOD!
Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted
behind the glass
i suddenly feel like i've lost everything and everyone. its so scary. i just don't want to get out of bed. i want to sit around and mope and feel sorry for myself. i look back on my life two years ago and things were perfect. everything in order... now all i want to do right now is cry forever and ever.

finals start tuesday, and i haven't even begun to study. i've got 6 finals in the next two weeks... and its going to be hell. the worst thing is that i don't care. not even a little bit, not even at all.

it seems like all the people i've counted on the past year or two have decided this week that our time is up. i just wonder what i could do more... what people want from me that i can't give. i think i know for some people, but due to successful aviodance regarding the subject, i dont know for sure. just simple questions alan... not scary or stalkerish... i promise. i just want to talk... so i can move on. i think i was right all along though... i was always the one who was going to get hurt in this situation.

i need a few things from life right now. new friends. closure. time to unwind. new relationships. feeling wanted, and feeling loved.

i need to feel loved. i need new friends, and new lovers. or any lovers. or just love. its getting lonely around here... and i'm sad again. can i PLEASE have a hug?

also... i havent had to make friends in a while... i don't remember how. i know i may be a little picky in terms of friends... just that they are educated, passionate, understanding, and kind, and enjoy eating vegan food that i'm more than willing to provide. oh.... and for right now, that they live IN philadelphia is that so much to ask? summer is coming up... i've got a bit more free time to meet people and see who's out there.

if you happen to know anyone fits that bill... send them my way.
Current Mood: SAD
behind the glass
09 March 2006 @ 01:18 am
i remember when LJ used to be such a good representation of my life, cause i had time to update every day. it saddens me to see that i've only updated it like 10 times in the past few months. maybe i'll make a conscious effort to change that. someone remind me tomorrow or something....
Current Music: Dar - So Close To My Heart